FutureNews

WASHINGTON, DC In a move to reduce the mounting criticisms stemming from FEMA's continued failures to provide disaster relief within 5 hours and 23 seconds, President George W. Bush today announced he would ask Congress to pass legislation creating of the Pre-Disaster Response Program.

"We can not continue with this haphazard method of providing much needed supplies and assistance to our citizens when they are most in need," he said at the Rose Garden press conference. "We're always arriving after disaster has struck. That's not good enough."

Instead of pre-positioning emergency supplies outside of a possible disaster area and then transporting materials to distribution sites, the program would allow those who will potentially be affected to pre-order online the supplies and debit cards they think they'll need.

The plan is simple, a White House official said. Instead of waiting until after, the supplies will be delivered to the households of those requesting assistance who think they could be affected by a disaster before it occurs. All anyone will have to do is go online and enter how many cases of MREs, bottles of water, generators, gallons of gasoline or debit cards they'll need. No more delays, the official said. Everything will already be there.

"It's a start," said Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif), "but it doesn't go far enough." Since all of California is under constant threat of some form of disaster, she said, earthquakes, fires, floods, mud slides, Arnold Schwarzenegger, it places too much of a burden on Californians who, under this proposal, would have to be online constantly in order to obtain their supplies in advance. "They should have to register only once," she continued. "After that, the supplies are shipped regularly . . . like The Book of the Month Club works."

Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) executive director Nihad Awad blasted the proposal saying it would be further evidence of the Bush administration's intolerance toward Muslims, unless a wide selection of pork-free MREs is guaranteed. "Being able to order something besides lima beans and ham isn't good enough," he said. "In order ensure that our food is Halaal, completely separate manufacturing plants will also be required."

Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) called the proposal short sighted. "Does President Bush think people drink only water? Does he really expect people to put up with no ice in their drinks?"

Recalling his childhood in North Carolina as the son of a mill worker, former Senator and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards (D) said the proposal to pre-order emergency supplies online will be unworkable unless steps are first taken to close the digital divide between the two worlds. "My father was a mill worker," Edwards said. "Growing up, I don't remember ever having a personal computer."

Echoing his former running mate, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) announced that he has a plan.

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (Nev) released a prepared statement calling upon the Bush administration to provide everyone with personal computers by rescinding the tax cuts for the rich and increasing the taxes of everyone earning anything. "The radical right wing of the Republican Party wants to prevent you from ordering your pre-disaster supplies by refusing to provide you with your own personal computers," the statement read. "We won't. And we'll also provide training on how to use them, dial-up access . . ."

"Then it's on to DSL and laptops and then Ipods and then WiFi," screamed Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean. "Yeaaaaaagh!"

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